Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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