I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
