you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Sober January is a disaster.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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