Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
