WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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