I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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