i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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