watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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