Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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