this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
