Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
