the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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