i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
