i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
