This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Even my vagina gasped.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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