the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
