she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
