I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
a search helicopter?!
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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