she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
