apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
