I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
