You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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