a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You need a sexual gate keeper
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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