I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
