Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
