why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
