Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Randomize
