i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
