Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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