The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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