Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
stop calling my apartment porn island.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
