Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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