The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
