I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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