In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
