im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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