if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
