there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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