i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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