Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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