the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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