Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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