He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
