why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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