My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There's always time for handjobs
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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