I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
