I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
