I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
