I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
