I can text with my tongue
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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